A year ago I posted about the journey from a miscarriage to getting pregnant again and anticipating the birth of another baby. I had no idea what was to come, only that I was in God's hands. If I had known what was about to happen I may not have been so confident in my faith. But the definition of faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".
I consider it a work of God that I have kept my faith through the darkest time of my life. It has almost been a year (11 months this week) since Asa was born still. Although I still have hope in my Savior and what He has done and will do, I also have more anger than I want to admit. It's something I've struggled with for most of my life but this year it has become painfully obvious (to me and my family). My pain, stress, hurt, and in many cases grief often drive me to lash out and hurt others which in turn makes me feel guilty and shameful. I know I am responsible for my actions and reactions and that there is a spiritual battle happening that I don't see but certainly feel. I know the enemy wants to use my pain to turn me away from God and at times I let him. I know God is not the enemy but there are times that believing He loves me is the hardest thing for me to do. In reality He has given me much more than I deserve (not to mention withholding the punishment I do deserve). At times I get reminders and glimpses of His love but I'm realizing more and more how hard it is to "remain in His love". There have been several books that have helped (along with the Bible, prayer, music, encouragement from others, etc.), but it is a constant fight. Needless to say I am on a journey that is far from over, but I am hopeful for what God will do when I surrender my "rights". "Rights" to comfort, understanding everything, getting my way, etc. There's a song that says "I've let go the need to know why, for You know better than I". This is my prayer, that I will let go.
I am thankful for the healing that has happened this year. After months of no progress with losing my pregnancy weight and feeling so defeated and like a stranger in my body I got help from a nutritionist and am finally within a few pounds of my pre pregnancy weight! With my first two boys I was not so concerned with losing the weight in a certain timeframe, but without a baby to hold it was so hard to accept that I still looked so different from my "normal self". It felt like a picture of all the hurt and trauma I was carrying and it was a constant reminder of what I didn't have. (Sidenote, realizing there are so few resources to help bereaved mothers get back in shape has made me want to make my own workout video!) So this process has been so much deeper than just losing 20+ pounds, I've let go of so much emotional baggage as well (which definitely played into not being able to lose the physical weight before). A huge part of the healing was when my husband and I were able to go to a retreat for couples who have lost a child. I can't put into words how much it helped us. My nutritionist used the word breakthrough for what it did to my weight loss journey (not to mention all the other ways it helped).
There is so much more to be done but I cannot downplay the miracles God has done in my life this year, not in spite of losing Asa but precisely because of it. He has given me joy for others who have been blessed with babies this year which would be impossible on my own. There are still mixed feelings but I am so thankful to watch others experience the joy of a new baby and even get to hold some of those babies. Over and over God has shown His strength in my weakness (it's no coincidence that my verse for the year was 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says, "my power is made perfect in weakness").
I guess my point in this post is the same as last year, God is the one writing my story and because of that I know it will be good in the end. As another song says "the story isn't over if the story isn't good". The beautiful thing about God is that He has a way of making the worst parts of our story seem like the best parts when we look back. The crazy thing about ending this year is that I have hope looking forward to next year because I DON'T KNOW what is coming. There's something unbelievably freeing about that. After the kind of year that no one (especially me) expected or wanted, I'd call that a miracle. I am so excited to see what God does as I continue to walk in faith. I know it sounds cliche to say I know who holds the future so instead I will say I know who holds me and has been holding me my whole life (just like He did Asa who is now safe from all the pain of this sinful world). "He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast, for my Savior loves me so, He will hold me fast". If He can carry me through this year, then how can I not trust Him with the next one?
https://youtu.be/936BapRFHaQ
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