I wrote this in my journal in May 2021 after watching "Little Women" (PBS version) and hearing Marmee describe her grief after Beth died. I was inspired to write about my own experience with losing a child, although much different than Marmee's. I trust that it will encourage others who may know a similar pain.
The death of a child kills something in the mother. A part of her dies with her child. All the love which went to that child implodes and becomes a sort of black hole which tries to suck the life out of everything that should bring joy. It's as if her purpose is gone. It doesn't matter that she has a husband and other children because all the love that was going to the child who died has no home and eats away at her. It makes her heart a dark and bitter place that is so often angry over the most trivial things. The smallest thing could go wrong and she reacts like it's the end of the world, because the world as she knew it has ended. She knows now she will never feel in control again. At times that seems exciting but at others it is terrifying and exhausting. When her world is spinning out of control she needs something, someone to hold on to...or even better, someone to hold onto her.
She knows who that is, she always has.
Her Maker, Redeemer, Lord, Savior, Comforter, Helper, and the Lifter of her head.
*This was written in a low moment and I have experienced much healing since then. I know at times I can still get down to this place and in those moments it helps to read this to understand what I'm feeling and why. After God had begun to bring me back up I added the last two lines to reflect the hope I felt. *
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