The end of a journey...

January 7th everything changed. The excitement and anticipation changed to fear and dread. I learned there was something seriously wrong with my baby, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. After a few weeks of feeling huge and uncomfortable and gaining more weight we found out it was all caused by a large amount of amniotic fluid. We also learned there was fluid in our baby's chest. On the 9th we learned there was also fluid in the head and there were issues with the baby's arms and legs (which explained why this baby's movement felt different than my others). Even though these issues explained my different experience with this pregnancy I had not been worried about those differences and had no reason to be worried before. After having a miscarriage I was anxious for weeks, even months, but that had started to subside and I actually let myself plan and prepare for a new baby. Over the next three weeks I had several appointments and tests and even a fluid reduction which helped me to be more comfortable during what would be my last week of carrying this baby. All the waiting and wondering and hoping ended on the 29th when I saw my baby's heart for the last time and this time it was not beating. I kind of knew before anyone told me. But I knew for sure when three people walked in to talk to me instead of one. I was thankful that as one of them said my baby had only known the feeling of being warm and safe and loved. They also told me not to blame myself because there was nothing I did or didn't do that caused this and there was nothing I could've done to change it. I tried to do my best to take care of myself and my baby and for seven months I was able to do that. I knew I didn't have to deliver my baby right away but I also knew carrying him or her any longer wouldn't change anything and it would just make me sad to look at my belly or have other people look at it and assume my baby was alive. So that night I was induced and I delivered my son the next morning. I am so thankful it was not a longer process, it was just over 12 hours from the time I was induced to the time I delivered Asa Warren into the world. I know several people expected a girl, but I was not surprised to have another boy.
I don't remember crying much that day, I was honestly just so thankful to hold him. To have the experience of labor and delivery and then hold him right away was all I wanted after I knew he had died. As Kyle has said we had the "best worst-case scenario". The nurse and doctor we had that day were wonderful and we felt so blessed to be able to make most decisions ourselves. I can see how God worked out every detail of the darkest days we've had. We were also so thankful to have family and friends at the hospital to meet him. Everyone I've shared pictures with has been so kind and told me how beautiful and precious he was and thanked me for sharing with them. I will share with anyone who would like to see and hear about him so don't be afraid to ask. Everyone knows parents can't help talking about their children and although I may not mention Asa to everyone I meet he is still my son and I will never forget him. I will always be thankful for the many months I was able to carry him and the hours I got to hold him. He brought us so much joy in his short life and I know it is not a coincidence that his name means "healer". Although we thought we would have him much longer he did in many ways heal our hearts after losing his brother or sister before him. I don't know what else God is going to do through his short life but  I know this is just the beginning. I told someone before he died that I was actually looking forward to seeing what God would do, whether it was the miraculous healing of my baby or what He could do through the loss of my baby.  God is so good at redeeming and restoring and I know He will do that for us as He has so many times before. I shared at the end of the year how God had used the miscarriage to teach me and show me many things and that as one of my favorite songs says "I know my pain will not be wasted, Christ completes His work in me". The fact that I am going through another, deeper, valley just tells me that God isn't done with me yet and if nothing else that I am going to do some much-needed growing and maturing. I never thought this is where I would be at 28 years old, but as I look back over my life so far all I can see is God's grace and mercy to me through everything. He owes me nothing and yet He has given me so much. Just the fact that He called me to Himself and has given me a desire to follow Him is beyond my comprehension. I fail Him every day but He remains faithful. When I am angry with Him and act like my plans are better and I don't deserve this He gently reminds me that all of us deserve much worse. He has shown so much love and mercy and He knows what it's like to lose a beloved son. Before I knew what January would hold I chose 2 Corinthians 12:9 as a "verse for the year" because I wanted to focus on grace. It says' "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.'
So if you see me and think I'm strong or brave or tough, please know that it's not me but Christ in me. If my life and Asa's life can point people to Jesus that's all I can ask. I said that if God healed my baby I would tell everyone about what He did and I was sure a miraculous healing would bring Him more glory. But now I find myself wanting to still tell everyone how good God is even though they probably think I've lost my mind, so maybe that is a miracle in itself. Having a nurse tell us we had encouraged her and helped her have more faith meant so much to me and reminded me that God can use anything and anyone. I have often doubted that God could use me to tell others about Him and now I am seeing this may be the best opportunity I've had. So if you want to honor our son's life then I would ask you to please seek to honor God. Asa never knew the pain and sin that exists in this world and I am so thankful for that, and I hope the fact that he is with his Creator will cause others to think more about eternity and live in light of it. I know I will continue to fail in this daily but that is my goal.